


All My Emotions Feel Like Explosions

by jbucks98



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29385720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbucks98/pseuds/jbucks98
Summary: Reader musters up the courage to tell their boyfriend, Sugawara Koushi, about their depression.
Relationships: Sugawara Koushi/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	All My Emotions Feel Like Explosions

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Depression  
> This work is heavily based off of my own experiences with depression, so if this content nature is upsetting to you, please don't read further. The reader is also gender neutral, so anyone can imagine that they are in the reader's place.  
> The title is from the song "Line Without a Hook" by Ricky Montgomery.

You swallowed, tapping your fingers against the small coffee table. You were at your favorite coffee shop on campus, where you’d always go to grab a mocha before your dreaded eight AMs, but you weren’t here for a sweet treat. With the way your stomach was twisting itself into knots, you didn’t think you’d be able to keep anything down anyway. As you went over the speech you mentally prepared, hot tears sprang into your eyes. 

_You can’t do this. Text him and cancel._

_But if he doesn’t know soon, he could walk in during an “episode”-_

_He’ll think you’re just looking for attention. Your life could be much worse, and you know it._

You went to push yourself away from the table, planning to send an apologetic text. . . until you heard the tinkling of bells that signaled a new customer. You slumped back in your seat as Suga walked in, shrugging off his black jacket and folding it over his arm. His eyes scanned the coffee shop until they locked with yours, and you sluggishly lifted your hand, wordlessly calling him over.

“Hey there,” Suga said, giving you a hesitant smile as he slid into the seat across from you, but keeping his ever-present gentle tone. “Is everything alright?”

You couldn’t blame him for being nervous. Getting a text from your significant other that read _“Can you meet me at the coffee shop after class? There’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”_ must have been troublesome, but you couldn’t think of a better way to lead into your predicament.

When you didn’t immediately grin and assure him that you were okay, Suga’s smile dropped and his amber eyes widened slightly in concern. You gave a shuddering breath, feeling your heart rate spike, before you took Suga’s hand off the table and interlaced his long, slender fingers with yours. The gentle, familiar sensation gave you an unfamiliar burst of courage, and before you could mentally torture yourself any longer, you just came out with it.

“Suga... I..... I’m depressed.”

Your voice breaks, and the ensuing silence allows the thoughts in your head to come back with a vengeance.  
_Pathetic- weak- liar-_

The sound of Suga swallowing takes you out of your head and back into the real world. Your vision is beginning to blur with the tears filling your eyes, but you can see that the only expression on his face is still just one of concern, not anger or disgust. You sniffle, feeling your lips quiver as you try to steady your breathing.

“I’m sorry-” you whisper, until he cuts you off.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he murmurs, bringing a warm hand up to stroke your cheek. You want to lean into his touch, but your head is screaming about how you _don’t deserve comfort_ and how _he should just leave you already_ , and you withdraw from his touch.

“It’s been on and off, for years now, but sometimes, I just.... relapse,” you say, feeling more and more vulnerable, like you’re listing all your weaknesses for him to see. “I- I don’t want you to think it’s because of you- oh _God_ -”

“Hey, hey,” Suga whispers, attempting to soothe you, but your tears can’t be contained any longer. As your face crumples, you barely register how quickly Suga gets to your side until your face is pressed in his shirt and his arms are secure around you, tight enough to ground you but never tight enough to hurt.

As cheesy as it sounds, you’ve always found your safe haven to be in one of Suga’s hugs, and this is no exception. You feel him breathing beneath you, steady and constant, and you give a shuddering sigh before you reluctantly release yourself from his hold.

“Maybe we should go somewhere else,” you say, unable to look him in the eye and instead fixating on a loose thread fraying from your jeans. You can still see Suga nod in your peripheral, and before you know it, he tenderly wipes away the tears on your cheeks with his thumb before taking hold of your hand again.

“Lead the way, my love,” he murmurs, helping you to your feet and trying to smile.

* * *

Suga’s hand had stayed on the small of your back for the entirety of the brief walk home. You tried to feel comfort in its warmth and sturdiness- _see, he wasn’t totally repulsed by you_ \- but for the first time, your stomach dropped at the thought of you two being alone.

Once you let yourself into your house, you found you couldn’t look Suga in the eye as you made your way to the couch. You can hear his footsteps behind you as you curl up into the cushions, hot tears making their way out of your eyes again and dropping onto the fabric.

“Oh, honey,” he says softly, before sitting next to you. “Is it okay if I sit here?”

He’s never had to ask you that. You wince at the thought of hurting him, at what he's going to go through by dating you.

“Of course,” you say, your voice unsteady and higher than usual. You’re avoiding Suga’s gaze, but you can feel him sit beside you, and within seconds, he’s adjusted himself so your head’s in his lap and he’s stroking your hair. You feel your chest tighten, even though this motion is practically a reflex for Suga at this point in your relationship.

_He shouldn’t have to take care of you._  
_You’re just going to drag him down._

“I’m so sorry,” you manage to choke out before you burst into heaving sobs, ones you couldn’t let out in the coffee shop. Suga gathers you in his arms, one hand holding your head against his shoulder so you can cry into his shirt, and his other arm wrapped around your waist as he slowly rocks you both back and forth. His head comes down to press against your shoulder, and you have a sneaking suspicion he’s holding back tears of his own, which only makes you cry harder. Dimly, you have the feeling that you should be embarrassed, but for now, you allow yourself to soak up Suga’s love and affection.

It takes some time for you to be aware of it over the volume of your cries, but after some time, you realize you can hear Suga quietly humming something you don’t recognize. Even though the two of you enthusiastically sing cheesy love duets all the time- usually loudly, and very off key just for the fun of it- Suga doesn’t normally sing just for you. You’re not surprised that his serious singing voice is just as gentle and beautiful as his typical speaking voice, though. Your sobbing begins to taper off with the combination of his humming and the soothing rocking motion, and you take a deep, shaky breath as you press your head further into his shoulder.

Suga’s humming becomes softer as you quiet down, and soon, the only sounds in the room are you sniffling and catching your breath. Before Suga can speak, you finally let it all out- how you’ve been living with depression since high school, and how you’re terrified of the possibility of hurting Suga. Without looking at him, you still know he’s listening intently, but once you choke out how you understand if it’s easier on him to break up with you, he cuts you off, somehow managing to pull you even closer to him.

“Don’t say that,” he whispers, his voice breaking. You’ve barely given Suga a glimpse into the darkness that pervades your mind, but you shut your mouth obediently, not wanting to upset him further. “One day, you’ll see what I see in you,” he says quietly, kissing the top of your head. You feel yourself relax a bit at the loving gesture, and the comfortable ensuing silence is broken by Suga asking “So, what do we need to do now?”

“We?”, you ask, surprised enough to look Suga in the eyes. You practically melt at how soft his gaze is towards you, and even though his eyes are glittering with unshed tears, he instantly wipes away the tear tracks on your cheeks.

“Of course,” he says, smiling gently at you as his delicate fingers stroke your face. He chuckles quietly before continuing. “Looks like you’re stuck with me, for however long you’ll have me.”

To no one’s surprise, this makes your eyes well up again, but these tears are completely devoid of misery.

As the two of you talk long into the night, you know this journey isn’t going to be an easy one. You’ve battled severe depression before, completely alone, and you doubt it’s ever going to completely disappear. With Suga by your side, though, you’ll always have the faintest glimmer of hope, even in your darkest times.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're going through a difficult time right now, please remember that you are loved and that you contribute something meaningful to the world. Don't be afraid to message me if you ever want to talk! (Also, apologies if I wrote Sugawara too out of character. Constructive criticism is always welcome, and I'm sure I'll be editing this work soon!)


End file.
